Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Finally

Here I am.

 In my new cardi
 What a year it has been so far and what a lot to digest. Where have I been....well, a couple of months ago I suffered a miscarriage and I have been struggling to blog, but to be honest I lost my mojo much earlier. Let me start at the beginning.....

In early February I found out I was pregnant.
Wow. 41, three kids aged between 17 and 7 and pregnant again.
41, three kids and just started her dream job (and the horrible studies to go with it), and pregnant.
 Another new cardi - Tappan Zee
Honestly, initially I was devastated. I mean we have never managed to get into a strong financial position, we are still renting a house, still paying off a car, still pouring all our income into daily living. But working took the burden off a little and it was a relief. And yet it would stop because of a new baby.

After a big long talk with David, and telling the kids, my fears were allayed some. I mean having another baby was not the worst thing that could happen to us.
Still it took some time to digest. And I was tired.....boy was I tired.....and scared. Scared to give birth again - not that any of my births were bad - scared to be a mother again - scared about .... well everything. But the kids were so excited, and our families and friends were so excited and slowly but surely I got excited too - once I put down the birthing books.
 
 Mother's day chrysanthenums
I had just got to the point where I was even feeling happy about it when all of a sudden I was filled with doubts. What if something went wrong. Why do I feel so detatched and negative about this pregnancy. Once I hit the 12 week mark, I intended to blog about it, but I always made excuses not to. I started questioning whether it was because I was older, and more scared, or whether it was mother's instinct - my body telling me all was not well. I discussed these feelings with a close friend, and then my mother and whilst my head felt reassured, my heart didn't quite get there.

24 hours later I started bleeding and 18 hours after that I had lost my baby.
Summer rain - so much fun!
Miscarriage is such a sad thing to go through. My baby had never really developed properly - it was never meant to be. But I still had all those feelings of guilt ... "was it because I was so negative", "did I do something wrong". Truth is that things had gone wrong before I even knew I was pregnant, so the short answer is 'no' I didn't do anything to make this happen. But at 14 weeks, I felt very, very sad.

Since that time I have come to realise that I have a wonderful life, three beautiful children, a gorgeous husband and a great job. To quote a favourite blogger... I am a 'familionaire'. rich with family and love.
Life has returned to normal, and in all honesty, I had all that I needed before I got pregnant, I didn't need another baby to make my life complete. It would have been nice, but not necessary.
Lady Kina - a wonderfully easy knit on ravelry
I have spent the last six weeks or so catching up on all that fell by the wayside over the previous 3 1/2 months and finally here I am. And I seem to have put all my energy into (catching up with study, and) KNITTING!! By my standards I have been prolific - four scarves/shawls and almost two cardigans. So there is an upside to everything.

Hopefully I will post more often, but to be honest, with work and study and kids and knitting, blogging may not happen as often. But I still read all your blogs, and I still think of you lots :) and I wanted to share this journey with you because I you are my friends.

L
x

29 comments:

Mary Welsh Hubbard said...

Lev. I'm sorry...and I'm glad that you are feeling better and happy once again. I have missed you and your funny words. I hope you find some time to blog again. I understand if you don't - with my life so crazy right now I haven't been blogging much and stitching/knitting even less. Take care my friend. x Mary

Mary Welsh Hubbard said...

forgot to say - love that red!

Leanne said...

LOVE the red cardi. Hey remember family is number 1 blog land will always be here. Like I have said to you before regardless how many weeks you were you were pregnant and all feeling aside you still need to grieve. Take care sending hugs.

Kate said...

I love the word famillionaire! And you totally are.
It's such a great way to put perspective on this whole thing. x

Kris said...

I have missed you! Seeing you on facebook helps, but I love seeing you and your family on your blog. What a sad time for you all! No matter how the baby was, it was a baby to you all and it is a loss. Hope you will be happy soon.

Love your knitting! I'm with Mary, that red is fantastic!

Chookyblue...... said...

oh and love the knitting.......crafting is great therapy........

nicolette said...

Sorry to hear about the miscarriage Levineke! Knitting can be so comforting. Take care!

Jantine said...

I was actually happy surprised to see a blog post mentioned on my reader!
I am sorry to hear about the miscarriage, just after you started to accept it all. Having a miscarriage is said (happened to me too), but having it after such a struggle must be worse. I hope you have catched up with your studies and keep enjoying your family!

lovestitches said...

I'm so sorry it hppened. It may be ultimately for the best but it sucks just the same. I've heard of stories of women just knowing their pregnancy - hich they ended up later losing - just didn't fel 'right'. Mothers intuition coms in many forms.

Thats a lot of knitting. It would take me a year to make myself one cardigan I am so slow.

Anne said...

Sorry to hear about you miscarriage...

I have the Tappan Zee cardigan on my Ravelry queue...;)

Annemariesquilt said...

You are in my thoughts Levin...
Take care!!

Jill said...

Just happened upon your blog via Leanne. So sorry to hear your sad news, wishing you and your family well. Your blue cardigan is gorgeous! Jill x

Leanne said...

Wow Levin what a ride! It sounds like your strength and family have made well of some really tough times. I'm sorry you went through all this...but life surely has a way of its own does it not.
Love to you! xx

btw I've moved...
http://homemaderainbows.wordpress.com/

Cathg1g2 said...

That was so good of you to share.
Women rock!

dutch sisters said...

We're sorry to hear about the miscarriage and its good to read you're feeling better now. Take care. Your red cardigan is gorgeous!

Erica said...

I'm glad that you are feeling better and happy once again.

Silver MLM

Clara said...

Of course a miscarriage is something sad in every woman's life! But I'm glad to understand you're going to cope with it. You look nice and both the red and the tappan zee cardi are nice. Take care, Clara.

Jellywares said...

Levin, you are an amazing woman and from what I read here a super great Mum... I'm so sorry to hear about your loss...

Have you had your hair cut??? Anyway, it looks fantastic short..

Hugs - Jodie :)

rubyslipperz said...

my heart as been down in the dumps the last few days. i've been up reading blogs since about 4:30am. i'm not sure exactly how i got to your blog...but...your post has lifted me up some bit. life doesn't always turn out as planned...and, sometimes it turns out a bit heart-wrenching. but, looking for the silver lining is the key. =)

thank you for writing your honest post.

hugZ,
annie
rubyslipperz106.blogspot

Anita Bonney said...

i'm so sorry to read the news. Been there. Take care and if you need cheering up (well, you know) Ihave a giveway - last week left. Pop over. Wth love Anita x
Bath Bomb Creations

Sherene said...

Thank you for your comments to my post. I'm glad to see you are so open with your feelings and in touch with your experience. As strange as it sounds this loss was such a strengthening experience for me. I have a deep sorrow at missing my baby- but a greater and grander connection to the universe and my faith that I really do know what I believe. Please feel free to link to my pregnancy loss page. I get so many hits there everyday and hope to gather a variety of information to make those scary lonely moments a little less so.

Linda said...

Your knitting is so beautiful I wish I could knit more than a scarf. I probaby could if I had the patience to actually learn to read a pattern but I have tried and it just doesn't really fit but I find knitting such good therapy so I just do mindless scarves!
So sorry to hear of your sad news, it is great to hear you are feeling strong and happy now

Jenny said...

Oh Levine,
I have just got on the blogging bandwagon again after being so long away and the first think I did was visit my "old friends"you of course being one of them:) I was so sad to hear about your news and my heart aches for you. To have been on such a roller coaster of emotions-let alone the hormones-must have been so distressing. I hope you are well and truly better now and enjoying the spring like weather. ((((hugs)))

Larissa said...

Thank you for the sweet comment on my blog. It was nice to meet you. I hope all is going well with you and your beautiful family.

Frankly Feisty said...

Wow. Honest and poignant and lovely and brave.
So sorry to hear about your miscarriage. But so glad to hear you know it just is what it is and you did not make it happen. Also so good to hear you appreciating your life as a "famillionairre"! What a great term. X

Clara said...

What about you, Levin? We all miss you!

Gemma @ Jac Whippet said...

I just came across your blog and your sad story, what a thing to go through, I couldn't even imagine. Hope your studies and job are going well and the family is helping you get through it. Love your cardigans too :) x

dear olive said...

Oh wow, I'm just visiting your blog for the first time. What a terribly sad thing to go through. I'm glad you've come out the other side (more or less), and with some very lovely knitwear to boot. Kellie xx

Kathy said...

Hi there popping in from down to earth. No matter whether you want to be pregnant or if you feel at this time of your life it would be more difficult it is only normal to feel sad for your loss. I was first pregnant and at 7.5 weeks starting spotting and by 11 weeks it was not a viable pregnancy. It was sad and I cried and I kept telling myself that logically it was my body doing the right thing and knowing it was not a viable pregnancy but emotionally I had still lost a child. Both ways made sense but emotionally it was very sad. I had 2 children after this and both are beautiful one 10 and the other one 7. I had my first at 40 and my second at 42 (late to the table getting married) however with you having 3 kids from 17 to 7 it would have been a big shock. It is still very real your loss and you need to let yourself grieve. Your knotted tips are stunning and the red one beautiful. The style and colours amazing. Perhaps you could share the pattern details. Take care regards KathyA, Brisbane, Australia