Finally

Here I am.

 In my new cardi

 What a year it has been so far and what a lot to digest. Where have I been....well, a couple of months ago I suffered a miscarriage and I have been struggling to blog, but to be honest I lost my mojo much earlier. Let me start at the beginning.....

In early February I found out I was pregnant.
Wow. 41, three kids aged between 17 and 7 and pregnant again.
41, three kids and just started her dream job (and the horrible studies to go with it), and pregnant.

 Another new cardi - Tappan Zee

Honestly, initially I was devastated. I mean we have never managed to get into a strong financial position, we are still renting a house, still paying off a car, still pouring all our income into daily living. But working took the burden off a little and it was a relief. And yet it would stop because of a new baby.

After a big long talk with David, and telling the kids, my fears were allayed some. I mean having another baby was not the worst thing that could happen to us.
Still it took some time to digest. And I was tired.....boy was I tired.....and scared. Scared to give birth again - not that any of my births were bad - scared to be a mother again - scared about .... well everything. But the kids were so excited, and our families and friends were so excited and slowly but surely I got excited too - once I put down the birthing books.

 

 Mother's day chrysanthenums

I had just got to the point where I was even feeling happy about it when all of a sudden I was filled with doubts. What if something went wrong. Why do I feel so detatched and negative about this pregnancy. Once I hit the 12 week mark, I intended to blog about it, but I always made excuses not to. I started questioning whether it was because I was older, and more scared, or whether it was mother's instinct - my body telling me all was not well. I discussed these feelings with a close friend, and then my mother and whilst my head felt reassured, my heart didn't quite get there.

24 hours later I started bleeding and 18 hours after that I had lost my baby.

Summer rain - so much fun!

Miscarriage is such a sad thing to go through. My baby had never really developed properly - it was never meant to be. But I still had all those feelings of guilt ... "was it because I was so negative", "did I do something wrong". Truth is that things had gone wrong before I even knew I was pregnant, so the short answer is 'no' I didn't do anything to make this happen. But at 14 weeks, I felt very, very sad.

Since that time I have come to realise that I have a wonderful life, three beautiful children, a gorgeous husband and a great job. To quote a favourite blogger... I am a 'familionaire'. rich with family and love.
Life has returned to normal, and in all honesty, I had all that I needed before I got pregnant, I didn't need another baby to make my life complete. It would have been nice, but not necessary.

Lady Kina - a wonderfully easy knit on ravelry

I have spent the last six weeks or so catching up on all that fell by the wayside over the previous 3 1/2 months and finally here I am. And I seem to have put all my energy into (catching up with study, and) KNITTING!! By my standards I have been prolific - four scarves/shawls and almost two cardigans. So there is an upside to everything.

Hopefully I will post more often, but to be honest, with work and study and kids and knitting, blogging may not happen as often. But I still read all your blogs, and I still think of you lots :) and I wanted to share this journey with you because I you are my friends.

L
x